Thoughts on him.

Intentions are just just broken promises dressed up.

Criminal Mind

I have been working with this idea and changing it for months. I really don't know what I want from it, but hell here it is for the first time.

I know you wanted so hard

just to provide.

Just all I ask of you

is that you calm your criminal mind.

We don't have to lie cheat and steal to get by.

Just calm your criminal mind.

I know its all weve known and its the easiest way.

In the end this life only leads to darker and darker days.

While we got lost in a forest of your

intentions.

Your intentions which revealed themselves

as not so innocent lies.

Just calm your criminal mind

I know baby you wanted so bad to provide...

And while I’m shaking sick and scared

It will be alright
I know you hate for it to be like this

Just calm your criminal mind

And we use and we use

And weve used it all up

the exits seem blocked by dark figures

but the night is misleading.

We can get out just close your eyes

and push through.

Now thatI have discovered

I am trying to figure out whats wrong with me. I want to be fixed. More than anything in the entire world. I am speechless.

the noises and smells of a home

Sometimes I secretly want a baby. Not that I would act on it, its just a weird urge to have a family...will elaborate later.

The Acid Truth

The truth is baby
your not going to make it.
The truth is I've lost the truth in my fear.

My selfishness gaurds nothing
but my fear.

I've lost myself in my lonliness.
The truth is...
The truth is...

The truth is a fossil to me.

The truth is an intangible
dream
freedom
The truth is baby

the truth doesn't always make life softer.
Or warm you like a winter coat.

The truth is, the truth hurts.
A stinging pain that seems it will never stop.
Like your flesh is being ripped off.
This is why people avoid the truest of truths.

The truth is I want to touch the truth.
The truth is I want to see it.

The truth is my head above water,
my head above water...

The truth is a song I cannot sing.

The truth is I am tired of being burned down.

The truth is your not going to make it.
The truth is I'm a tornado.

The truth is I set the fires that burn me down.

I set the fires that burn me down...

A Million Poppies...

It will never go away.
Ever ever ever.

It takes time but the wound never heals.

The thought of it makes me sick, I focus on the sick feeling. I focus so hard on trying to get rid of the thoughts. Then that focus turns on me and I remember something that always made me forget problems.
I don't make excuses for my actions.

90 percent dont make it out.

opps

fade out like a star

just fall asleep
drift away

the warmth

I hope for it to grab me
and be done with me.

Thanks

We eat
and the conversation barely stays afloat.

In the back of our minds the reality of it all.
Misadventures of youth.
Divorce, bankruptcy, illness, death

My mother, sister and I hold each other tight.

Knowing when everything goes, when the ship sinks...
we are each other.
Woven so tight its confounding at times.

Family...how can you even put them into words.
They give you life, nurture you.
Also scar and damage you, but in the end
you have to be yourself because everyone else is taken.

Its a rainy day

Whenever I start sharing my writing with others is when I stop writing. I guess I am just to sensitive. heh. I can only hope that when I die they discover all of this...

Hung out with Vanessa and it was good but she has to go to work now. She helps me, shes pretty emotionally stable compared to most of the people I know. Its good.

Mi Familia es muy loco.

My family is full of trajedy. The things that have happened here don't seem real. I try to use my faith for strength but I end up angry and confused.
Freewill to hurt eachother, what a devine plan.

If everything was meant to happen then....what the hell does that even mean?

Everything is crap. Ugh. I hate my ups and downs.

Halloween

the rain comes down soft and steady
the only beat like it in nature.

precious and cold
brutal and dangerous
also cleansing.

good god

When your tired or ashamed,
or scared what others will think.
You all come to me.

When your eyes shift from face to face in fear of judgement,
you run under my wing.

When your crying,
embarrassed
and almost faded out completely.
Every single being turns to me.

I loose myself in others sadness, and its a beautiful
torture.

I never judge, and I keep those deep dark secrets.

Oh the things I know, its hilarious really.

I know all about all of you,
and it sickens me to see some of your lying lonesome faces.

Attempting to connect with one another, just standing the moments.

In the guise of night, stubbling sad and drunk...


Ill stay up and I will lay myself across the flames of truth for your comfort.


My sleep pattern is gone from my life now.

I sit up alone some nights,
wondering how your all fucking up and the how I will be prepared to heal the wounds.


Self inflicted wounds....

the haunting decisions you make.
The ghost I will soon have to chase away...

My own inside's and my own heartache,
I have got too good at tucking them away.

I wouldn't want to burden anyone,
with all of the sludge inside of me.

but oh
how I relish in your problematic themes,
they are my sick entertainment.

Drying your tears with a grin on my face.
Its the most warmest I get.

Its the warmest I get...

and sometimes the closest to
truth
I think I'll ever be.

Mumbling to myself

I have been writing less like this lately so lets go. I am currently living with something in my heart that I wish I could scream from the roof tops. I will never really tell and I will live feeling tortured until finally the torture ends in heartbreak....then who the fuck knows what will happen? Who knows? Really I mean I live on that...its like I know that I will always want what I can't have. I am a true masochist, truly. I have to be constantly hurting and struggling or I don't know what to do with myself.

Toothpicks hold it together

Your eyes need not search for white in the sky.

My flag is not there and will never wave for you.

I'm not pleading guilt, or making my concede.
I'm not backing down or falling into me.

My strength has been realized.
My strength has been renewed.

My strength has been discoverd.

My strength is my scars, my strength is my failure.
My strength comes from my bones, my core.

Beginning of something changable

Sand goes out. . . . from under each
climbing step I make

never reaching solid ground
going till every muscles aches

I am red.
I am red.

There is no top, no great prize at the end.
Just a grey road
with an occasional bend.

Just a grey road, just a grey road....

I am so patient but I hate the concept of time
oh how I hate the concept of time

because
There is no top
theres is not end
there is no prize
There is no top.

There is no prize, there is no prize, there is no prize...
except catching that look in your eyes.

Theres is no prize in keeping up with this lie.

I wanted to wear this shirt but now its all dirty...

So my dads on his way here to see me. Some how I always end up kinda emotional over him. I really need to figure out why...


they are hidden and they spell out words I would never utter.
Burden; the constant pain.
Broken; understanding what is done is done.
Hope; a slippery and hardly tangible thing.



"Like snow. Like gold. Like snow. Like gold. "

Right now

I don't know how I feel. Kinda like I am trying so hard and I need to stop but I am scared to. I am scared to give myself a break. I review every action I take...until I drink. I have been drinking alot lately to forget how hard I try...and how its such a burden. I don't know how to act, I am so scared of people not accepting me and I know alot of people feel this way...they just dont say it. I mean I really don't know what I want right now and I am scared of doing the wrong thins. I am trying to understand what I want to be....still, my identity is lost completely. I spent my life waiting on that yellow bird...in some form or another...


All I am sure of in this moment is that...

Humility Makes a Man

o

I can see the red around those unsound people and it only makes me sad for them...its like I feel how their insides feels and I know they can't be happy living without harmony..I sometimes hate my empathy but I can't stop caring

Up to me

Cuddling up with my roommates pit bill in front of the heater, watching its always sunny on hulu. Been a tough night but no one really wanted to see it through with me. I try so hard. To be nice, to make people like me...I know thats sad or whatever.
I try to do better...constantly but I guess I just can't be...

Strength is hard and seems wastefull. I have been filled with anger and resentment for so long I don't know when I can get over it. I get so angry sometimes I vomit. I try to control is so well...
I use my anger and frustration to come back to a child like place in which im comfortable feeling small. I wish it was being happy was simple to me.
I will never be comfortable being small. I will never be comfortable feeling small...

I am full of negative thoughts right now and I guess its up to be to try and chase them away...
up to me...

I want to see the good and the capacity for people to do good...I search for is desperately, and I've spent a lot of time waiting on that.

Whiskey Season

I was really sick this week and the doctor gave me cough medicine that I shouldn't have. I am aware now, I have substance abuse issues. I don't want to cure them I want to use them as a crutch. I am scared shitless of everyday life.

Being strong is so tiring. I have been something for people to lean on and use for comfort for all my life. I am tired, so tired.

My abandonment issues are truly crippling. Anytime someone doesn't come through I beleive it to be the end of the world. I am so afraid of being abandoned. Anytime someone doesn't respond to a text or anything small like that I assume the worst. My mind turns it over and over until I have myself convinced of an intricate conspiracy against me. More on this later, I am kinda fucked up...

Sleep

Go to sleep angel
your worries are in my heart.

Rest your brain, I worry for us both.

I worry, I worry, I worry...
enough for us both.

Your knees are skinned, and the sting won't seem to stop.
It will, I promise.

The sun will rise tomorrow, and it expects to see your face.

It expects you, tomorrow expects you.




This is written in regards to some stuff going on with friends. I have a weird problem with feeling crippling empathy for people. To the point I feel everything they are feeling and its overwhelming...simply overwhelming. Being there for people is a huge part of who I am, its caused me to become strong but its still such a struggle. I want everyone to be ok, and I can't forget myself blah blah blah.

I have no idea whats going on lately. I feel like I need to write, like something has either clicked my brain or a bomb has gone off in my soul, some kinda feeling like that? Well I am trying, and its all we can do. Even though it can feel like I am trying to run up a sand dune, I think I am getting farther than I think.