This week

Oh man I can't tell if Conor Oberst is just fucking with us half the time.

I've been on the defense lately. Got commited after a binge drinking etc. thing...so that was the last few days. I really don't have time to promote my blog but I do like keeping it. Its more like a diary then I guess....with the potential to ruin any chance of a politcal career.

Lessons of the last week,  (hardest week in a fucking looooooooooong time)

Don't give anyone credit, things get so complicated when people owe you money.

Men have the most fragile egos because unlike women they didn't spend their entire lives being ripped apart for all their faults.

"There is no such thing as a good looking corpse." So I better just keep on going...

My dad and me have really repaired our relationships, and I beleive I have made my last suicide attempt.
Its ashame I am a really funny person, well I guess with my life being so insane...I guess there is a reason for it all and all the blah blah bulllshit.

Her.

My thoughts turn round as I sleep,

and there I met someone lost,



lost in a dream, in my dream.



She was dreaming of things that could never be again.



The dirt, the lovely dirt.



The terrible tragedy, almost comedic

in its after-thought…



Falling away she grabbed at them with all that she had,

her fingers bled,

as she reached and writhed for it to appear,

ropes, ribbons, sounds and smells anything she could feel between her fingers

anything that binds…that bound.



Something that gave sensation

Something left…rubble a pebble a stone.



A token of what was once here.



A sign of life.



So close,

as it all fell away again.

Drowning

the last gasp of breath before you are taken.



All she felt was the things that were



And I woke and realized,

That I am her.

right now

The Good White Towels

The Good White Towels

The Good White Towels,
are for cleaning what is already clean.

I sometimes imagine them,
sopping wet with mud.

I could bleach them...
but they'd never be the same.

I can clean them but they'll never be the same...

I reach for one,
a crisp clean white towel.

I wrap it around my arm.
The red ink comes.

A pen burst inside of me,
angry and red.

It comes through so beautifully,
 like color spilling into my everything.

It is what it is, whatever that is,

I finally got it clean...
I finally got it clean enough...

btw

 Oh and happy fuckin new year

 Well I haven't been writing as much lately mainly because most of my ideas come to me in a drunken/drugged up stupper and I fall asleep before I can write them down...
Don't get me wrong I'm ok, I mean I have a grip on things mentally and I'm not acting completely neurotic anymore...most of the time  ( 8
I've just been stuck in a weird place, I have come to an understanding of people that I avoided for so long. That people may not mean to be but are mostly...looking out for themselves. The junkie in me gets it. I understand it but I am not excusing and and foregoing the idea of self control. When you truly love someone and care about them I believe that self control is possible. We must be polite when we turn a lover away because we are all just puzzle pieces and sometimes we just don't fit. After all the fighting and pushing and pulling some things were just not meant to be.
Friendships are generally the same rule, don't give anything away until someone has earned your trust.
I'm not going to pretend I am an island but I'm not going to pretend I trust and like people who I don't.

If life is uncomfortable do something about it.

Spring Cleaning

I'm going to be changing my blog up a bit. There are more positive and interesting things going on so I'm going to talk about that. No melodramatic post teen poetry. I mean thats not what writing is all about, I just learned that! hah
Well I'm tired as hell and I have school tomorrow. So till tomorrow goodnight internet.